Tourettes and the world

 Tourettes + autism + anxiety = an utter mess. 

I have been struggling so much recently, especially with the added stress of the exam results. My anxiety has got worse. It's got harder and harder to tell people what I feel like. Even with my friends, I can't tell them how I'm feeling. I keep thinking that if I say something that might accidentally come out the wrong way, my friends will fall out with me. 

I hate the fact that I don't really like going to places that I haven't been before. I get it will get easier once I've been. But that's not the point. I don't like going where there isn't a safety plan. It might not make sense but I don't like going somwhere where I don't feel comfortable. Or that I know people well enough. I've always been the same and I'll never change. 

I mean, I'm very polite and I really hate saying things to my friends and family that may come out in the wrong way. I don't want to loose anyone close to me at all. I'd rather torture myself to meet people when it's outside of my comfort zone than say anything. I just would love for my friends and some of my family to say something like, "We know that you're struggling right now, you don't have to do what you don't want to, we'll sort it out and it'll be fine." Some of my friends are supportive but then there are the few that you think may say something behind your back to another friend. This is why I don't want to say anything, because I don't want to feel like someone who is supposed to be my friend talking about me behind my back. Because it's happened before. Someone who I thought was my best friend started saying things about how I got out of lessons to go to the SEN office even though I needed to and still need to. I don't want to feel that happen again. 

Too many things are on top of me right now and I wish that some people could see that. But they do say that in hard times and bad times, you realise who your true friends are.